Android Hell

Don't leave me alone with a graphics tablet and no inhibitions.

Especially not after viewing pretty artwork of humanoid GLaDOS.

It wasn't even supposed to be colored. Or get written all over. Why do these things happen?

My hand hurts.


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The Best Place in the Whole Wide World

It's time for some Fallout 3 fanfiction.
Life in the Capital Wasteland, through the eyes of a little girl named Moira Brown.

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   This is a story about Moira. Moira is a girl and is five years old, so she gets to hold up her whole hand when people ask how old she is. She lives in the best place in the whole wide world, Canterbury Commons. Moira loves it so much that she learned how to spell it: C-A-N-T-E-R-B-U-R-Y C-O-M-M-O-N-S. She can say it faster than anyone else.

    Her whole name is Moira Kathleen Brown. Brown is like dirt and trees and chocolate cake. She has a mommy and a daddy, but her daddy goes to other towns and sells people stuff, so she doesn't see him very much. They live in a little house that was built before the Wasteland was the Wasteland, which is a really long time ago.

    Moira's mommy's name is Lacey. She wears pretty green dresses with twirly skirts and has red hair just like Moira's. When Moira goes out to play, her mommy tells her to be nice and gives her a big hug. Then she sits outside the house and watches, to make sure that Moira is being nice and that people are being nice to Moira.

    Moira's daddy's name is Jonathan. He's tall and wears funny hats. She misses him a lot when he's away, but sometimes he gets people to come to Canterbury Commons with letters from him! He writes all weird and loopy and Moira's mommy has to read it for her sometimes.

    When Moira's daddy comes back home, Moira runs really fast and jumps on him, and he spins her around like a wheel! Then he puts her on his shoulders and she's really high up, and Moira's mommy comes and hugs him.

    Moira's parents aren't like other parents. They love each other, but not like kissing-love. They're just best friends forever who hug and talk a lot, and they don't get mushy like Moira's seen some adults get. They had Moira because they wanted to start a family!

    Moira's best friend ever is Scott Wollinski. He's all grown up and likes robots. Moira likes robots too, and sometimes when he's not working he'll play games with her, like robot tag. Robot tag is like regular tag but you have to make beeping noises. Scott thinks Moira is a really smart kid and sometimes teaches her fun stuff.

    Moira really wishes there were more kids to play with, though.

    One day, Moira's daddy came home really early, and he and Moira's mommy told Moira they had really big news. They told Moira they were having another baby, and that she was going to be a big sister! Moira was so excited, she jumped around the house until she had to go to bed, and then she couldn't fall asleep for a really long time.

    Moira knows where babies come from. Her mommy and daddy explained it to her really good, except that Moira didn't really get it because it didn't make sense. She asked once if you need love to make a baby and they didn't really say yes or no.

    Every day, Moira talked to her mommy's tummy and said the nicest, sweetest things she could think of. It never said anything back, but that was okay, because it wasn't supposed to. She kept asking if it was going to be a boy or a girl, but nobody knew.

    She would teach the baby to play robot tag and do the robot dance and talk like a robot! Maybe the baby would like robots as much as Moira! She thought about it all the time.

    Moira woke up one day and it was too quiet. She felt wrong inside and got dressed really quick, and ran down the stairs. Moira smelled something weird and heard people crying so she ran really fast.

    Her mommy was lying in the middle of the floor, crying. She was wearing one of her green dresses and there was blood on it and on the floor, all over. Her daddy was holding her and he was crying too, and Moira didn't understand what was happening but she felt sick from all the blood. Did her mommy get hurt? Moira started crying just like them and the tear drops made her lips hurt but she couldn't stop.

    Later, Moira's daddy took Moira out for a walk. He bought her some chocolate cake at Dot's Diner and they sat far away from everyone else. Moira's daddy looked tired and old, and he told her they wouldn't be having another baby after all.

    Moira asked him why not, because she didn't understand. He just stood up and hugged her tight, and he sounded like he was going to cry, and that made Moira want to cry. He told her that her mommy was feeling very sad about the baby and that Moira should be extra nice to her and not talk about the baby. Moira understood that.

    Things were very sad for a long time. Moira's daddy didn't go away to sell things, and Moira didn't go out to play with Scott as much. Moira's mommy got really thin and cried almost every night. Moira kept wondering what it would be like to be a big sister, but she didn't ask.

    But then things were kind of normal. Moira's daddy went to go sell things. Moira played robot tag with Scott. Moira's mommy started eating lots again and even smiled sometimes. Moira still wondered about the baby, but she wasn't supposed to ask, so she didn't.

    Sometimes, Moira likes to do science. She makes her hair stick up all crazy and puts on her special scientist dress. Then she mixes different kinds of food together, or tries to build stuff out of other stuff, or runs around the house and sees how long it took her.

    But doing science sometimes gets Moira in trouble. Like when she sneaks into places she's not supposed to be in and gets caught. Or when she makes something really gross with food and they have to throw it away. Moira thinks science is worth it, though.

    Moira thinks about making the Wasteland a better place with science. Then, people will never cry, all the water will be clean, and nobody will ever lose their babies. Everybody would be really happy if the Wasteland was better.

    Moira once told Scott about making the Wasteland better. He laughed and patted her head and told her she was a big dreamer. Then they did the robot dance before Scott had to work again.

    Moira really wants to make the Wasteland better because of something that happened one time. She was talking to Scott's robots outside her house when all of a sudden the robots got scary. They brought out their weapons and said mean things, but not to Moira. Moira looked at where the robots were looking and saw a bunch of people with guns and mean faces outside the town.

    Moira screamed at the bad people and Moira's mommy ran and picked Moira up and carried her inside the house. She put lots of stuff in front of the door and told Moira to hide really good. Moira got inside her mommy's closet and closed the doors and tried to stay really quiet.

    She heard the bad people yelling and the robots talking to them. Then she heard gunshots and lasers and got so scared she almost screamed, but she had to be quiet. There was a lot of screaming for a while. Moira put her fingers in her ears because it made her really scared.

    The screaming stopped and Moira could hear somebody walking inside her house. She got really still and quiet and hoped her mommy was okay. Then she heard her mommy's voice telling her everything was fine and that the bad people were all gone! Moira jumped out of the closet and ran to her mommy and hugged her really tight.

    Moira looked out the window and saw the bad people all lying dead on the ground. Moira didn't like looking at dead people and it made her feel kind of sick. She saw a robot lying dead on the ground too, but Scott could fix it because you can fix robots but not people.

    Moira asked her mommy why there had to be bad people. Moira's mommy told her that the bad people were angry because the Wasteland isn't a good place. So Moira wanted to make it a good place and nobody would be angry anymore.

    Moira knows that her daddy goes around the Wasteland because he sells things to make people happy. Food and water and toys for kids and ammo for town guards and a lot of other stuff too. Moira wants to be just like her daddy and make people happy, but maybe with more science.

    Sometimes Moira worries about her daddy, especially after the bad people came to Canterbury Commons. Moira's mommy always tells Moira that her daddy has lots of guards to keep him safe from bad people and monsters and that makes Moira feel kind of better.

    Right now, Moira's daddy is off selling things. He hasn't come back for a while but he isn't supposed to. She still misses him lots, though.

    In the morning, a man comes up to the house and Moira thinks he might have a letter from her daddy! She runs up to the porch where her mommy is and looks at the man, but he doesn't have a letter.

    The man tells Moira and her mommy to sit down. Moira's mommy sits in a chair and Moira sits on her lap. Moira's mommy takes Moira's hand and holds it tight.

    The man tells them that monsters got to Moira's daddy's caravan and killed everyone. Moira's mommy looks at him with her eyes wide open and then starts to cry. The man tells Moira that her daddy isn't coming back and Moira cries too because she loves her daddy and how can he not come back?

    The man leaves and they go inside the house and don't stop crying for a really long time. Moira thinks about how they all sleep in a big bed together, with Moira's daddy on the left, Moira's mommy on the right, and Moira in the middle. But now it will just be Moira and her mommy forever and ever and the bed will be too big for just them all the time.

    It's been a really long time now and Moira still can't stop thinking about her daddy. He will never tell her bedtime stories or spin her around like a wheel or hug Moira's mommy ever again. She will never tell him about science or ride on his shoulders or jump on him when he comes home ever again.

    And when Moira draws pictures of her family in the dirt, she always starts drawing her daddy but then she remembers he isn't here anymore and she starts to cry.

    Moira's mommy is really thin again and doesn't ever smile. She gives Moira lots of hugs still, but she doesn't tell Moira to be nice and she doesn't watch Moira from the porch. Moira is worried that she'll get so thin she'll disappear, and then Moira will be all alone forever.

    Moira is six today. Her daddy always comes home for her birthdays, but this year he can't. Moira and her mommy get some chocolate cake from Dot's Diner and take it home to eat. There's too much for just them to have all by themselves, though.

    Somebody knocks on the door. Moira's mommy gets up to answer it, and Moira follows her. Moira's mommy opens the door and there's a nice-looking man in a leather coat.

    The man asks Moira's mommy some questions and Moira's mommy says yes to every one. Then the man moves to the side and there's Moira's daddy leaning on him, alive and everything!

    Moira's daddy looks tired and messy but he smiles really wide, and Moira's mommy starts crying and throws her arms around him, and Moira runs really fast and hugs them both and she's so happy she starts crying too.

    The man in the leather coat smiles and says that Moira's daddy is really lucky to be alive. Moira's mommy thanks him over and over again and tries to give him caps for bringing Moira's daddy back, but the man shakes his head and says that seeing this is reward enough.

    Moira's mommy and Moira's daddy and Moira all hug each other really tight and don't let go for a really really long time. Then Moira's daddy picks Moira up and spins her around like a wheel, and he puts her on his shoulders so she's really high up, and he hugs Moira's mommy and says he loves her. Moira's mommy says she loves him too, and Moira says she loves them both very much. They laugh and Moira's daddy puts Moira down so they can all have one last big hug.

    Then they go into the kitchen and sing happy birthday to Moira, and Moira's daddy finishes off the rest of the chocolate cake because he's really hungry. Moira thinks that having her daddy back is the best birthday present ever.

    Then they all go upstairs and climb into bed. Moira's daddy is on the left, Moira's mommy is on the right, and Moira is in the middle. For a bedtime story, Moira's daddy tells them about how he got away from the monsters and found the man who brought him back to Canterbury Commons, the best place in the whole wide world.

    The End

Exsanguination: Last Words

This is actually the last part of a series of short stories. There are about six installments planned, but only the final bit is anywhere close to being finished.

This story was originally written in the style of "Hills Like White Elephants," by Ernest Hemingway. Since receiving some feedback, it's been reworked into something less vague, but perhaps less elegant.

The name in italics is who the story is being narrated by - different stories in this series will be narrated by different characters, all in first-person perspective.

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Silas

    I hear the clack of shoes on tile long before she appears behind me. The kitchen has a wooden arch instead of a doorway leading to the corridor, but I still expect to hear the guilty squeak of hinges and the click of a door's mechanism. She stands just feet away from me, so quiet I can hear her breathing. My muscles begin to tense. A bubble of anger rises in my throat, but I won't release it. Not now. This is not the time.

    Of course it's her - who else would it be? The cook isn't to start on breakfast until dawn, her daughter tends to wake even later, and the servants have been ordered not to enter until we're well and truly gone. I breathe a heavy sigh as I reach for an apple tart in the cupboard. I had not been totally aware of the kitchen's silence before, but now it's settling inside me, touching my bones like the grippe.

    "It'll spoil." She speaks, at last. I clench my teeth and my fist, setting the tart on the counter. Sticky apple syrup coats my fingers. I'll need something to wrap it in so it doesn't ruin the rest of the food I have to pack.

    "I'll eat it later today," I mutter, barely parting my lips. I have to control myself. With my back to her, I walk towards the row of overhead cabinets, carved of rosewood with glass doors. Her family had bought them from a merchant in the west. I try not to think about how I'll miss them. I pull one of the smooth, imperfectly-shaped knobs and grab a roll of paper from inside.

    "You... should take something that will give you strength," she says - as though she could care about my health. The clacking of her shoes moves across the kitchen. "We won't have feasts anymore."

    So that's what she's concerned about - the feasts. I almost laugh. "All the more reason to take something I love." I set the roll of thin paper on the countertop and open a drawer underneath it. An arrangement of kitchen implements, organized by the servants, sits on a fine cloth - but the shears are absent. "Where are they?" I mutter, mostly to myself.

    "What?" She steps closer.

    "The kitchen shears. Where are they?" I pull another drawer open - the cutlery drawer, apparently. I shake my head. If the servants have misplaced something again, I don't know what the cook will do this time. According to what I've heard, it's been ages since she's whipped anyone, but I've also heard her temper's gotten shorter over the years.

    "I don't know," she says. I hear her swallowing hard. I feel some sort of pleasure - she's guilty. Even if she's too proud to admit it.

    Silence. I give up on the shears and simply tear a section of the paper off, leaving a ragged, uneven edge. The cook will not be happy, but she won't be able to yell at me after today. I place the tart on the paper and wrap it up.

    "It wasn't my fault, Silas," she whispers.

    My hands shake and clench and I nearly drop the tart. A heavy sigh runs through me. "Not now. This is not the time."

    "You won't even look at me!"

    I whirl around and meet her eyes, shining with melodramatic tears. White-hot anger flares inside my lungs, looking at that face. That pitiful, pathetic face. "There. Are you going to pack, or not?"

    She recoils from my glare, hands held up as if she thinks I'd strike her. "I... yes. Yes, I will." A whirl of skirts, and she's walking toward the breadbox. "Just... not now."

    If she thinks I want to speak to her, she's gone mad. I slip the wrapped tart into my pack, and glance at the casks of wine in the corner. It's for cooking, I know that much, and it tastes absolutely vile. They haven't given us access to the cellar, where the finer liquor is stored.

    But she speaks again. "I didn't want to do it."

    An ache settles between my shoulders. I head over to the wooden crates in the corner and pull the lid off one with a groaning squeak. I take a small cloth bag from my pocket and take as many dried pears as I can.

    I hear her sigh. Her voice is quiet. "She told me that if I... if I stopped, she'd reveal it."

    I roll my eyes. Whether or not she speaks the truth, I won't be drawn in by her pleas for sympathy. "That worked out well for you, didn't it?"

    "Silas, it wasn't my fault," she whispers.

    I chuckle at the way she tries to shift the blame. "So she made you do it."

    Her voice suddenly rises to a shout. "You don't know what she did!"

    I lean against the crates, a hand pressed to my forehead. "You can't excuse this, Catriona." I look up and see her standing before me, desperation present in every inch of her body.

    "Silas, you've seen her. She could tempt anyone!" Her cheeks flush a bright pink - whether it's from shame or the... the memory of her, I don't know.

    I have seen this woman. She is quite exotic - red hair and green eyes, like the people from up north - but she's no succubus, and just remembering her face makes my heart seize. I raise my head and stare Catriona in the eyes again. This time, she does not flinch, but holds my gaze. "You gave in."

    "I had no choice!" Catriona balls her hands into fists, entire body shaking.

    "You had plenty of choice," I shout back. "Catriona, you knew what would happen if you went to bed with her. You knew you were betraying your bloodline. You knew you were betraying me!"

    "Silas..." Her voice is quiet again, quivering. She keeps on snapping back and forth between shouts and whispers, as if she isn't sure how to feel or what to say.

    Or maybe it's me who can't make up my mind.

    I - we - hear someone else coming into the kitchen with the authority and strength that could only belong to one woman: the cook. She isn't supposed to be working yet, and I realize that we've probably woken the entire house.

    "Poor boy," she mutters, shaking her head. I'm surprised - the cook's never had much sympathy for me. In this moment, the lines set in her face seem softer, her eyes brighter, like a kindly old matriarch.

    Then she turns to Catriona, and everything about her hardens. I watch Catriona shrink back, looking smaller than I've ever seen her.

    "You filthy rat," the cook snarls, spitting at Catriona's feet. I can't even fathom how I could react to this - this is a sign of ultimate disrespect from a noble family's servant.

    Or, at least, it would be. But I remember that Catriona isn't really a noblewoman anymore.

    The cook continues, getting angrier by the word. "I fed your fat-pursed family for years, and this is how you show your gratitude? Gods know what you've been teaching my daughter! You know she practically idolized you - has she learned to lie, to betray her family, to go around sleeping with other women?"

    Catriona just stands there, but I can see her hands quivering. She doesn't even try to defend herself, to justify it. Maybe the last traces of her pride have finally been washed away.

    "I hope the wolves get you. You're being thrown into a far better fate than people like you deserve." With that, the cook turns on her heel and leaves.

    When the last of her footsteps recede into silence, I hear a soft whimper from Catriona. It takes me a moment to realize that she is crying.

    Not tears cried as a plea for sympathy. These are genuine.

    I find myself thinking that she's gotten what she deserves... that she's finally realized what a mess she's gotten us into.

    "We're going to die," she sobs, shaking her head and wringing her hands. "We're being thrown out to live among the... the commoners, and everyone will know who we used to be... no one would hire us for work even if we had any peasant skills."

    She looks up at me, face red and wet, no dignity left inside her. "We're going to die," she repeats.

    I want to ask why she didn't consider this before, but I don't. I... can't bring myself to criticize her anymore. Instead, I reach over and lightly touch her on the shoulder. "We're not going to die."

    "How can you say that?" She sighs, looking at me as if I'm insane. "They don't call exile a death sentence because we haven't killed anyone, but everyone knows what it is."

    "My family still has an estate. They might accept us into their house - I am their son, after all," I say. It's true - my family is less strict than most, and as long as we leave the details of our exile obscured, we shouldn't have much trouble.

    Catriona scoffs in disbelief. "Have you forgotten how far your family is from here? They live in Elcaro - that's--"

    "--across the Stasian Border, I know. But what chance do we have here?" I know the Border well - I've gone across it many times. It is a river, splitting the land in two. There is a bridge... but only nobility is allowed passage.

    Catriona's stopped crying. I watch the last of her tears roll down her cheeks as she takes a deep breath. "I... should pack." Her voice carries a note of defeat and weariness.

    She turns away, doesn't look at me.

    I wonder if she's giving up on us already.